omg i just bought the nicest pair of loafers from lacoste. and its time to book in. i don't know if i should be happy or sad so i'll just put on a straight face and blah whatever.

the thing that sucks the most in army, aside from the lack of freedom, is the lack of personal space. its like. co-habitation with 11 other strangers. married couples can't even work it out well and they expect us unruly boys to pull it all together. my buddy snores like a wild boar... it was almost impossible to sleep during field camp.

i wish i could bring my mac to camp. or at least my mp3 collection. my ears are numb from listening to the bends.

i'd blog about field camp, which was really quite fun. and the joys of shitting into a little dirt hole and the amazing friend with an anus-of-steel who held his shit for 5 days and how the red sun looked like a nipple and the lovely night sky and then finally about everything in between. really i had an outline all in my head.

but my fingers are blistered from digging trenches so i can't.

hope everyones ok.

through the week, i was going thru a smashing pumpkins revival of sorts as i blew the dust of my cd jackets and brought the cds (cd, to be exact- SP greatest hits. a history condensed) to camp. i don't think i'll ever get tired of the pumpkins. there'll always be 'pumpkin' moments- you know what i mean. when you feel all melancholic and alone and fuck yes you want to wallow in it for all its worth like a fat lazy pig rolling in the mud as you listen to his siren wail drag you deeper and deeper into depression and you secretly love every minute of it.

david says i like to listen to sad music. i don't think thats too true tho there are the few more introspective numbers in my playlist, but i'm sure we all do have that. cusak put it poignantly- what comes first, the music or the melancholy? i think they go hand in hand, but i also think i may have said that last time.

now, i'm on a radiohead revivial, thanks to gangwei and his lovely solo acoustic renditions. smashing pumpkins, radiohead. just bring in belle and sebastia, ash and placebo and maybe a dash of x-japan and and wham bruce i miss you so. i know you read this and i'd like to call and say hi or fuck you or you still owe me money but then again maybe we've drifted too far too long and i'm stuck in an auld lang sye but then again maybe time doesn't equate into our dynamics and it'll be the same and in the end i think i just don't want to find out. but all the same i wish you no surprises, the arms of sleep wrap and the bus stop out of town. (on a beech tree rudely carved) (lets not forget the glory days)

farewell and goodnight, and a Closed Book.

i've renamed my blog. appropriately so, i would think.

09/02/04

and i thought today would pass with little ado as no, i don't feel very 19. how does one feel a number anyway? until my friend cautioned me to enjoy the last of my teen years and suddenly 19 limbo became 19 milestone.

10/02/04

gangwei makes a lot of sense. thus far, i've done nothing in my life to deserve coming into the army save for being born in singapore which i won't call doing much to begin with and all my time in army will be spent achieving things i don't really care to achieve in the first place. officer. sergeant. platoon commander. big fucking deal. back again to what i said about it all being a big joke we're all in and suddenly the song 'i started a joke, that got the whole world crying' comes to mind. what a fucking farce.

its surreal. i feel like alice in wonderland and there's the card soldiers scurrying about and the queen running about shouting 'off with their heads!' and the grinning chesire cat and the chiong swa rabbit running here and there.

dear, dear! how queer every thing is to-day! and yesterday things went on just as usual. i wonder if i've been changed in the night?

tekong is a strange place...

11/02/04

its hard to believe we're singapore's proud and mighty defenders when today have to scale the low wall at the SOC (standard obstacle course, the low wall being a ~2.0m wall we have to climb over), you see people running toward it all bravado and shouting 'yaaaaaaaaaa!!!' then 'biak!' smack into the wall and they recoil backward like out of an acme cartoon when the door is slammed into sylvester's face. and others, only able to get halfway over, leaving their legs kicking and flailing aimlessless, hopelessly, almost as if they were trying to swim the breast stroke in mid air. which is overstating the poetic quality of their haphazard motions.

i thumbed an ant, pressing it into the sidewalk with a squish sound and now i feel really quite guilty.

12/02/04

i miss my camera alot. there are many reasons why i like photography, but one of the simplest explanations i can give is that it is because i have a very bad memory. and i don't want to forget.

13/02/04

its official... i am cockeyed. i cannot shoot for nuts. given a shot-gun and an elephant 10m away, i'd probably miss the elephant and shoot myself in the foot by mistake.

14/02/04

scratch what i said about being a lousy shot. quite the contrary! i'd wager that i could put out your left eye from 100m. haha. and my secret? Trolls. go figure.

its good to be home. next week i wont be back cause its field camp so till then, till then.

ok ok enough melodrama. happy birthday to me!whee!

i don't feel very 19.

i would write about camp but there really isn't much to say. its the same story. its like. reading a book and going over and over the same page. or those art films ala run lola run and it repeats and repeats.

the saddest thing is when you book out and you are very very happy and elated and 'whoo baby im free!' and your bunk mate walks up to you and says 'hey lennard! cya enjoy your free time!! see you tomorrow!!!' and you stop for a moment and think as your brain turns and churns and you think oh fuck... i'm booking in again tomorrow.

dead man walking? nah. too over the top. more like. dead soul walking.

but i'll try nonetheless. oh joy, oh joy, come and smack me upside on the head and knock my teeth out and make my heart bleed again.

going to town, its like theres a sudden influx of ang moh! why? what happened while i was in camp? not that i mind... ang moh chicks are damn chio with nice knockers. (that really knock against each other, contrasted with fat chested lians)

ah. theres really nothing to say or do but lie down close your eyes and dream. and even in my dreams i sometimes dream im in army and thats a scary thought. i went in thinking lemons and lemonade and now its more shit and chocolate. oh well. so till inspiration hits me or a get a certain joie de vie. till then, till then.

and hello to everyone who i haven't seen or spoken to for sometime. i hope you all are in good health and all that jazz.

omg its been 6 months!