I am Confidently Insane!

Lets all take a moment to remember the thief. All hail to the teeth, chattering away in the cold. Eating beef sandwitches and the muslims stuffed with halal pork, its all blessed anyway. Jesus H. Christ! (Did you know his middle name was Herman?!) Spoke with him last night and thing's're cool there "ya know... chillin' and shit wit da moet chandon..." so says the son of grapes.

I stabbed Tom and spilled wine all o'er the carpet and now its stained like a St. Augustine on top of a catholic pulpit. Sound filters through it and sounds like this "Daawwwwwwnnnn skaiiiiiiiieeeeee!" Ever screaming. Dad, Tad. Bad... tsk tsk.

Next time you hit the town, next time you hit the clubs, don't forget to accessorise your bangin' outfit with a personality. "Paper cuts and denim butts strewn across the floor will floor you."

The Gaping Cosmic Anus and the Hungry Electron

What a title!

Special Ops Command came down to give a demonstration for the new Police Taser. In a nut shell, it shoots two barbs at the victim which then forms a closed circuit and electrocutes him into submission.

Who’s an experience whore?! I am! So I volunteered, and oh the pain. Coarsing through your muscles, you vibrate like the elemental particles you’re made of as the electricity sears through your nerves. I became a point above my head to remove myself from the pain and everything happened in the third-person. A surreal moment indeed. After the 5 seconds-which-seemed-to-never-end, the points of contact smelt like bbq-ed pork, somewhat appetizing if not for the fact that it was me. The skin was ashen coloured which slowly reverted to a reddish burn mark that turned into a blister.

What surprises me is the body’s surprising capacity for amnesia. I remember it hurt, because I told myself it hurt. I can’t describe the actual senstation anymore because I can’t remember it. The same with many other things- the taste of that killer steak. You remember it was succulent and flavourful, but you remember the descriptions you attached to it, not the actual sensations. Is it just me?

My back has gotten from worse to Worse so I went to a chiropractor. Funny tubby French dude who twisted me like a pretzel as my back squealed POP POP POP. After the session, he gave me a series of exercises to strengthen my back and knee. One of which requires me to squeeze my anus open-close-repeat 400 times a day.

“eets a ween ween seetuation, ya? You vork for police, your ah-nus vork for you! Everibodi happi ya?” said the funny French man.

See? I work my ass off for the nation.


The Doors of Perception

Psychodelic! Am now reading The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Gonzo journalism, in part as tribute to the late Hunter S. Thompson, in part because I prefer non-fiction.

Humans take 1/30th of a second and upward to process and respond to an external stimuli. Can you dig it? I can’t break that 1/30th second barrier. We’re all doomed to spend our lives watched a movie of our lives- always acting on what has just finished happening. It happened 1/30th of a second ago. We think we’re in the present, but we aren’t- we’re lagging. That’s the human lag. Then theres cultural and social lag that can you hurl you years into the past. We need to break free people. We need to decrease the lag. Can you dig me? Fuck the future, screw the past, what about the now? Now. Now. Can you read now….NOW. NOW! NOW. Now. Now now.

Help. We’re all lagging and theres nothing we can do about it.

It's a monday morning and i'm sitting in my office and for the past five minutes i've been veg-ing out to the fluorescent glow of the computer screen. I am a calm hindu cow.

on sat i met with ding and the other guys and we went to eat tze-char at tiong bahru. the highlight? drunken prawns. im sure you've eaten them before. the prawns are put in a pot with alcohol and left to get all happy and drunk before being dumped into boiling water. well, the latter didn't happen. the boiling water part- we ate the prawns alive while they were all lushed. chinese sashimi. after the initial gross out factor, it was pretty good eating. but think about what the mind had to overcome- the prawns were drunk, so naturally there'll be puke. and maybe the odd one shitting. poor prawns. all thinking they were going out for a night of booze and babes. see? alcohol is dangerous.

jon tan had a peculiar habit of eatinga spoonful of rice and following-up with a toke from his cig. and he looks very pained when eating, not unlike a P.O.W.

this cycling to thailand project of mine is becoming more and more a pain in the ass (figuratively) and consequently i've a serious pain in my back (literally). from an initial goal of raising $10k for charity, its now mutated to a disgusting $100k. don't ask me how that extra zero creeped into the figure. it just did.

so on sunday i went ah fugedaboutit and just took my bike out a spin for no reason other than going for a spin. and i went down orchard and golly gee gosh its the cat pajamas baby! wizzing in between cars and dodging taxis.

sunrise

sunrise
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

sunrise, sunrise! like a glowing red ball. before it came out, it was freaking cold and my teeth were chattering. i had to wear 2 layers to keep warm.

eew.

the image of a cosmic testicle just popped into my head.

utt 2

utt 2
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

utt doing what matts do best- relaking in the closest semblance of a corner he could find on the mountain summit.

the protagonist

the protagonist
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

striking a pose for the camera at the peak, looking thoughtfully away toward the horizon. what was going through our protagonist's mind? let me tell you- "shit i wanna paraglide off this", and can you? why, yes you can! perhaps next time...

for prosperity

for prosperity
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

carved in all the rocks at the peaks are names and dates and who loves who though i don't think who doesn't love who anymore. anyway, i snapped this one cause well, 1985. hello! my birthyear!

utt

utt
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

this is another ranger called Utt (pronounced ooo-tttt). he can also roll the yummy cigarettes. a pretty cool mellow fellow.

aham 2

aham 2
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

i'm sorry but i really just can't get over the view. the air smells crisp and sharp and fresh and nothing like the city. it was fucking amazing.

Aham

Aham
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

This guy is called Aham. he is one of the rangers. in this pic he is rolling a cigarette similar to a samporna. he puts real cloves in it and rolls it in dried leaves. it tastes very good.

more view

more view
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

somewhere high in the sky, as the sun rose and the breeze picked up, the clouds slithered, snake-like, between the lower mountain peaks at a slow lumbering pace. for some reason it reminds me of elephants doing ballerina. wasn't that a scene from fantasia?

the view

the view
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

it takes your breath away

garang for brains

garang for brains
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

this boulder is 6m high. yes there is a ladder in the background but why take the easy route when the alternative is so much more fun?

good times, high times

good times, high times
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

this hammock has the most comfortable embrace ever. like some fat womans bosom, but more decent. if you imagine the tents in the background away, it could very well be a scene from some vietnam movie! and yes. i have a pasty white body.

the view

the view
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

this is the lovely view i had in the comfortable embrace of the hammock

Me and the guide

Me and the guide
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

yes, i wore the same shirt for 3 days.

The Guide

The Guide
Originally uploaded by kingchef.

Azhar was our guide for the trip. He is 50 but hardly looks it and can walk through the jungle trek even in pitch darkness. Believe me i saw it when we were trekking at 4am and i switched my light off. He's very soft spoken and has a gummy smile. he can also make a cigarette last more than 30 mins.

13-03-05_0811.jpg

At the summit. The view is gorgeous and the air smells so good. It was all worthit. From here on its literally downhill for me. I'll be back monday evening and i'll write something more comprehensive then.

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This is checkpoint 3. Only 1 more checkpoint before i reach the campsite for the day. The jungle is absolutely majestic, with nature's version of white noise in the form of bird and cricket calls and the crash of surging water against rock.

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Thats mount ophir. It rises 4000 ft into the sky. The summit is hidden in the clouds. We should reach it by sunrise tom- i hope for a spectacular sight.